THE PORCH

Hello, Lovelies!

Ok, this porch will receive multiple references in this blog, so you might as well learn about it now. The porch is an analogy to dating more than one guy. If you date one guy that's obsession. If you date two guys, that's either/or. If you date at least three guys, now you have some action going on your porch. To quote Slick Rick, "Once upon a time, not long ago, when people wore pajamas and lived life slow." There were actually courtship rituals. One ritual that was especially pervasive in the South was that gentlemen suitors would visit the women they were courting on their porch. Usually the beautiful southern belle was sitting on the swing set on her porch, just looking lovely and doing NOTHING. Most of the times she was out there in the afternoon or after supper. All she had to do was sit there alone on her porch basking in her own femininity, and before you knew it, her porch would be filled with gentlemen suitors. Her job was to entertain everyone by being her charming and enchanting self and serve them lemonade or tea.

I am creating a modern day, metaphorical porch by dating multiple men. Now, I am not having sex with anyone on my porch, mind you. That would be taking them off the porch and walking them inside the plantation house into the bedroom. I have made that mistake several times and when they go directly from the porch to the bedroom, without even a sip of lemonade, they usually don't ever return to the porch. So after those grave errors, I have learned that nobody gets inside the house unless I am ready to be in a relationship with them. So many guys want to go straight to the bedroom. The men who don't want to hang out with me on my porch are quickly replaced by other men. Usually men under 35 think they are entitled to 'booty calls'. They have got to be on crack! They think that I will have sex with them just because they are cute. Hilarious. They aren't willing to put in the time, effort and money it takes to win the porch competition. NEXT!

If I like a guy enough to give him my number and consider dating him, I issue him a porch pass. A porch pass gives him certain privileges. He is in the running to be my next boyfriend. He is a contender. In order to be a contender, he must be interested in a monogamous, long term relationship with marriage potential. There are guys on my porch who aren't contenders. They are more to fill the porch and create momentum. If I have a lot of men on my porch and momentum, I don't get stressed out when the guy I really like doesn't call. The contenders all have rankings and they can trump each other. For example, I might have a date Friday night with Frank who is a contender with a #3 ranking. But Bill, my #1, might have just flown in from NYC from business and want to see me. If that happens, then Bill trumps Frank and I have to cancel my date. I know it sounds callous and awful, but it makes sense. I have rarely cancelled because usually my #1 is nowhere to be found.

If I grant a man a porch pass he is welcome to call, email, text, flirt, date and even get some kissing and heavy petting. Although, my therapist thinks I am far too generous with my heavy petting and make out sessions, I think they are spectacular. The whole idea is to give a man a taste of dinner, not shove the meal down his throat. You know, to whet his appetite. Now I used to be Face Book friends with everyone who has a porch pass. I no longer do that unless I met them on Face Book. Why antagonize them with all the other guys on my porch who are posting on my Wall. I don't flaunt the fact that I am dating several men, but if they ask for sex, I tell them, "Thanks so much for wanting to have sex with me. I know it would be wonderful. However, I don't believe in casual sex. I only have sex when I am exclusive. I haven't known you long enough to decide if I want to be exclusive."

Then if they ask, "Well, how many guys are you dating? Are you having sex with any of them?" Then, and only then, I will tell them, "I am dating other men. But we are just socializing. I am not intimate with anyone. I am very selective and if I have sex, that means I am their girlfriend." This is honest and it serves a second purpose of creating competition. Men love to compete and they love what they can't have. At least, real men do. Real men like to compete, control and conquer. If a she-male aka metrosexual(one living in a post-industrial, capitalist culture, who has a strong concern for his appearance or a lifestyle that displays attributes stereotypically associated with homosexual men) or "girlie men", as Arnold Schwarzenegger calls them, tries to have sex and you give him this approach, you will never hear from him again. He has been spoiled by women who put out right away. He has no earthly clue how to romance, charm or court a woman. At this point, he relinquishes his porch pass and I save it for a more qualified candidate.

There is no limit to how many men I can have on my porch or how old they may be. My porch is currently ranging from age 20-55. I am playing the law of averages. Everything in life, my dears, is a numbers game. You mustn't take anything personally. In my sales job, x amount of calls yield x amount of appointments yield x amount of sales. Dating is the same way! X amount of dates yield x amount of porch passes yield x amount of contenders yield the number one contender=the husband. All you can do is be feminine, sweet and set boundaries. The men who are worth a shit, will hang out on the porch and compete. May the best man win and let's hope it's not you, darling. You don't want to be the man on the porch. This means you don't initiate any communication. You simply respond to them in the same manner. They call you, you call back. They text, you text. They email, you email. Got it?

Well, this is quite enough teaching and preaching for the night. Now that we are all speaking the same language, we can proceed with more dating encounters. Stay tuned.

Love you all,
Goddess Girl